Living in Shame is a common struggle for most men who are addicted to Porn. I was no different, but I want to provide some powerful insight and tips to motivate and activate quicker results to leave the “darkness” and debilitating shame in the past where it belongs.
Shame is pervasive, and it has this endless nagging pit in your stomach kind of nauseous feeling along with despair that must be returned to its dutiful owner immediately. Shame is like a thief in the night as it attempts to rob, steal, destroy and kill its victim. My goal as a coach is to forewarn and prevent men from living in this needless shame by short-circuiting its power.
In order to achieve this goal, We must take immediate and decisive action to turn this “titanic” SHAME ship around 180 degrees and forge forward.
We must take an urgent state of “EMERGENCY approach to defeat shame and stop it dead in its tracks.
I’ve seen too many good men lose their lives who suffered from our porn problem.
Yes, dead.
Shame is an unforgiving ruthless enemy that puts a permanent choke-hold on your entire life until you fight back. The best analogy is that when you are a soldier preparing for a war, you must train, strategize and build a solid game plan to succeed and win.
SHAME ON YOU!! Or you should be ashamed of yourself is a common reference used to belittle children. It’s imperative that men who battle low self-esteem and unworthiness start changing the narrative towards themselves by implementing and practising positive self-talk and encouragement.
When you see or hear the word shame, what is the first thing that you think of?
Is it a word, thought, image, memory, feeling or do you have a full-body visceral reaction?
Maybe it feels like a blow to the head or a knock-out punch or perhaps a shot to the gut or a sudden lifeless feeling of “I’m no good for nothing” And that there is no reason to live.
Shame rears its ugly head at any moment and infiltrates every facet of one’s life, all of our relationships and activities. It’s like being the walking wounded. But no one notices or cares to call for help because they are not seen as worthy or deserving of anything as they are deemed a waste of skin.
It may be surprising to anyone reading this article that it’s been a personal life-long journey of mine battling these dark dreadful inner demons of shame.
Simply put, shame says I’m bad, I’m wrong, and guilt says I’ve done wrong. It’s important that we understand the difference between shame and guilt, in order to address the underlying core problem.
The most important thing to do at first is to identify and recognize that the origin of shame generally starts in early childhood from some form of abuse and neglect, and then, unfortunately, it grows into a life of its own.
By the time we are adults, shame is well entrenched into our entire being. We display the faces of shame in so many ways, through our body language, facial expressions, and our continued self-destructive behaviours and addictions.
Shame had diminished us to broken, fractured little fragments of our little wholesome child selves before we were injured and traumatized.
It’s critical to start to develop self-care and compassion for ourselves even though at first it may feel uncomfortable and foreign.
In the beginning, you may feel resistance when you start speaking powerful and positive truths about yourself.
It’s ok. Trust me. It’s normal. Just keep pushing through, and soon enough, you will start to embrace the new you as your love-starved self starts to disappear and your true strong significant self begins to surface and command attention.
This is how powerful changing your negative self-perception into a positive mindset will start the healing and transformation.
Here is an exercise for you to do: For our purpose, we will call it the shame game (from shame to fame).
Prepare a list of the three ways that shame has prevented you from taking positive action.
Make a list of 5 similar words related to shame ( STIGMA/ HUMILIATION/ ASHAMED/ MORTIFIED/ EMBARRASSED) and then pick five powerful positive words to counter them.
- S= STRONG
- H =HONOURABLE
- A = ADMIRABLE
- M= MEANINGFUL
- E= EXCEPTIONAL
It’s imperative to start imagining and envisioning yourself free from shame and what that might look and feel like. As you start practising these mental mind shifts you must counteract any and all negative thoughts and only allow positive statements to arise from within.
Some examples …
- I’m significant
- I’m powerful
- I’m valuable
- I’m intelligent
- I’m worthy of attention, love, and self-care
- I’m an exceptional man
- I’m unique, kind
- I deserve abundance and health
- I’m #1!
Most often as abused young boys we’re taught self-neglect, self-hatred, self-deprivation, self-abuse and abandonment which are counterproductive to develop self-worth and significance.
In conclusion, remember that you’re an adult, and it’s time to take charge and clean up the mess made by shame and get your life back on track.
We must remind ourselves consistently that we are adults. We now have power and control over our choices today and our lives and that we are no longer a victim of our childhood experiences or our present-day addictions.
We all have the power within to change, and it takes a determined integrated mind-body positive strengths-based approach to conquer the pesky gremlins of the past.
You got this, brother. You got this.