Can you relate to the millions of men trapped in a vicious cycle of the ongoing shame of porn addiction?
Have you noticed over the last year during the Covid crisis that your appetite and consumption of porn have increased?
Well, you are not alone; the number of porn users worldwide has increased by 56% since Covid hit.
Pornography use is considered a worldwide pandemic. You can see the staggering increase in usage from the infographic below, provided by a leading porn site, Porn hub.
Quoted from PornHub’s year in review for 2019,
Pornhub keeps on growing and it doesn’t show signs of letting up. In 2019 there were over 42 Billion visits to Pornhub, which means there was an average of 115 million visits per day. One-Hundred-Fifteen Million – that’s the equivalent of the populations of Canada, Australia, Poland and the Netherlands all visiting in one day!
More details on the statistics (opens in a new tab).
Do you relate to any of these:
- You can’t stop; you got caught watching porn at work, lost your job, your partner found out and is threatening to leave, your spending is out of control, endless hours of watching porn, and compulsively masturbating.
- You might be sick and tired of how horrible it makes you feel afterward, the shame, loneliness, depression, torment, heartache, guilt, hopelessness, even suicidal thoughts.
- Maybe you are one of the millions of men who have porn-induced erectile dysfunction from overconsumption.
- You’re unable to form a healthy sexual relationship with a real person.
Every man desires a new way of living that isn’t controlled by pornography but involves real connection, self-confidence, healthy sexual and emotional intimacy with their partner.
They want to experience honesty, openness, transparency, security, happiness, and the ability to freely share their thoughts and feelings and know self-control and emotional regulation.
Men want to live out their lifelong DREAMS, and that is POSSIBLE.
Perhaps you suspect or know you have a problem with porn but unsure why or when it started.
I can assure you, it’s not your fault and there is a solution.
Sadly, over 80% of men that struggle with porn and sex addiction have been sexually abused as young boys. Over 70% were abused physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It’s not a surprise that with these alarming numbers, why so many adolescent and teenage boys turn to pornography as a result of childhood trauma. These boys have been sexualized at such a young age.
The feelings of being a bad, dirty, defective, unlovable, broken, and shameful boy play a significant role in how they identify themselves and relate to others as grown men.
It begins around puberty, 11-14 years old.
Most men discover pornographic images as young as 11 years old, and by 14 years old, over 90% of boys have seen sexual images. It is a natural phase of development for adolescent boys to be more curious about their sexuality.
For the first time, they experience wet dreams, erections, hormonal changes, and crushes on different girls.
Unfortunately, their first introduction to pornography stimulates their desire and often their discovery of masturbating and reaching an orgasm that increases a rush of dopamine and other hormones to feeling out of control, overstimulated, relieved but wanting more and more until they get hooked on porn.
Porn Addiction can take a dangerous hold between 13 and 16. Today, it’s especially problematic because …
… of the Internet.
The critical period for a teenage boy that determines their obsessive-compulsive tendency is between the ages of 13 to 16 years old.
In our 21st century, the percentage of boys getting hooked continues to skyrocket like never before in history due to the sheer volume of unrestricted, immediate access to and extreme variety of pornography, available through numerous electronic mobile devices.
It’s way too easy to get hooked and then lost into a world of endless fantasy.
The classic 12-step approach has its merits but is very limited.
The majority of conventional treatment methods, including self-help and 12 step programs, focus on the problem rather than the solution.
The 12-step program was created 100 years ago and based on Christian religious beliefs from a patriarchal influenced society.
The presumption is that you believe in God and that you are a broken sinner needing rescuing and fixing. It is shame-based, and requires that you admit powerlessness over your addictions.
The reality is that we have the intelligence and power to take back control and make healthy choices about our future, regardless of any addictions.
Here’s a stronger approach to overcome porn addiction
In my recovery and in helping clients, a strengths-based approach works extremely well because we focus on man’s innate talents, positive skills, and attributes. We develop these inherent positive qualities empowering them, building healthy character, and a positive, confident identity.
Some of you might have attended professional counselling for your porn and sex addiction. Some others of you might have already been to inpatient sex-addiction treatment centres and may even have done 12-step programs with fellow sufferers desiring freedom from compulsive acting out.
Some of you might be too scared to ask for help, or you think no one can help.
Whatever position you’re in, please DON’T GIVE UP! There is HELP and it works if you commit to it.
25 Years a Problem, John’s Wife Found Out. Here’s how he recovered …
The other day a client called me in a panic expressing great distress. His wife of 20 years had just discovered how consumed her husband John was to pornography all these years.
This was the first time he was honest with her instead of lying or denying it.
His wife Susan was furious, as you could imagine. John and I spent over an hour discussing his hardship, and I listened and shared similar experiences from my addictive days when my wife caught me in the same boat. While John shared his overwhelming despair, I remembered my past moments of being exposed by my ex-wife and by numerous girlfriends.
Since my client was already experiencing heightened levels of extreme distress and immense shame, I provided him immediate relief and perspective besides just listening and a supportive ear. Initially, men feel most relieved and supported by feeling heard by another man who understands which alleviates shame, secrecy, and the pain of isolation and loneliness.
There was a strong initial connection as he knew I had struggled and have overcome the same problem. I was able to share and relate with John and understand him and this provided immediate pain and shame relief.
His incredible courage to be honest with his wife and remain committed to change and healing for him and his wife.
He recognized that he needed immediate help, he needed to take action and not focus on the problem of 25 years.
My job as a client-centered strengths-based coach in its simplest form is to assist them in realizing their “full potential” regardless of their present circumstances. To encourage them that they can overcome this addiction as I have by looking inward through acknowledging their inner qualities and resilience through adversity.
Any good coach wants their client to succeed and win at the “game of life” by executing what they learn and practise “real-life” situations to see what works best for them.
When I Discovered The Better Way To Escape The Clutches of My Porn Addiction
I had been seeking professional help since the age of 16 when my father was imprisoned for child sexual molestation, and most therapists, counsellors, psychiatrists, self-help groups had me convinced that I was just going to have to live with my inner childhood pain, PTSD, and addictions forever.
PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, it felt like a death sentence and no escaping it. Very Bleek.
After a lifetime of talking and focussing on my pain and my problems, I recognized that changing my approach was necessary to save my life.
I recalled different theories that I studied at university while studying psychology and social work and realized that my only way out was to focus on my natural-born strengths in order to live a better life. Things started to change more quickly than I ever thought possible. A transformation started occurring.
It took me over thirty years to finally break the cycle of my addiction to porn and sex addiction. While I’m extremely grateful and excited that I’m totally free today, it would have saved a lot of horrendous pain, torment, and agony if I would have found my way out earlier in life for myself and others.
Research indicates that the longer you stay addicted to something the harder it is to quit due to the well-entrenched brain reward pathways. The feel-good chemicals (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins) released are associated with any habitually compulsive addiction.
Our brains function on the premise of “what fires together wires together”. The more you strengthen this neural brain connection with your addictive behaviours the more difficult it is to break the compulsive behaviours. Over time you have to increase the frequency of your porn use to create the same high and numbing effect.
Permanent change occurs when one starves the reward signal with the negative behaviour but instead repeatedly strengthens the reward signal with positive outcomes and then success, freedom, and transformation become a reality.
In Summary
With the millions of men, women, adolescent boys, and girls around the world suffering from this global porn pandemic it is bound to cause families and an entire nation to become powerless, dysfunctional, and impotent in every regard.
The great news is that there is a small dedicated group of men and women around the world bringing truth and solutions to the devastation that is occurring and that there is a way out to escape from this destructive all-consuming porn addiction.
Don’t wait for the answers from others when the answers lie within you. You have the innate power within and sometimes we just need some help, support, and guidance to uncover that gem of truth and hope.
Perhaps an experienced coach like myself will help to provide encouragement and before long you will no longer need the training wheels, no more restrictions, just the confidence to pursue the life you’ve always desired and dreamed of.
Now it’s my life’s passion and purpose to share my story, my experiences, my strengths, and my hope that there is a WAY out to escape from this imprisonment of hopelessness to a life of renewed hope, fulfillment, and purpose of living a great life.