Are you one of the many men like myself that have tried for years to stop your “sex and porn” addiction, and nothing has worked? Perhaps you are new to recovery and just discovering that you have a severe addiction to porn and sex and recognize that you need help but unsure where to turn.
Have you ever wished that you could start your life all over with a brand new childhood and one that you could control your destiny?
If you have already tried everything that you know is available to try and beat your addiction and feel like giving up, please continue to read this article as you are not alone; there is hope on its way.
Did you know that over 80% of men who struggle with sex & porn addiction have been sexually abused as young boys or teenagers?
Let me reassure you that it’s not your fault that you were abused as a young boy and, as a result, didn’t trust anyone, didn’t develop close relationships, because you felt unlovable, unworthy, insignificant, and downright broken.
Today is the day you need to stop beating yourself up for being addicted to porn & sex as you didn’t cause it, but thankfully you have the power and choice to overcome this behaviour and reconnect with your lost boy.
Maybe it still feels too painful to admit that you were abused either sexually, physically, emotionally, or all as a young child, and you are still trying to forget it happened. This defence mechanism is not working anymore. What if talking about it is your breakthrough moment.
Men, quitting or giving up on yourself is never an option in my books, even if you feel defeated or that you are a failure or that you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked.
Even though it took me 30 years to find the solution for my sex addiction (intimacy/trust issue), I never gave up on myself, even when numerous professionals, treatment centers, family, friends and recovery peers did.
Some even suggested that I wasn’t going to make it and end up dead due to my addiction. Many folks in recovery tried to use fear to motivate and scare me into changing or quitting. That was a harmful and futile approach, to say the least, lol.
My mission and passion are to help men like you and me break free of this SHAME and start experiencing freedom for the first time.
I’m proud of you for having the courage, strength and tenacity to keep searching. Perhaps, today is your lucky day when all of your hard work, determination and persistence pays off, and you have profound hope.
Like the great Napoleon Hill once said, “ Strength & Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.” We have already proven our strength by surviving our broken childhoods, but now we want to THRIVE and pursue our TRUE GREATNESS & POWER.
Tip #1. To fix the problem, realize that this is an intimacy issue, not a porn issue.
Porn and sex addiction is a symptom of a much more significant problem that often originates back in childhood. The word “Intimacy” can conjure up a lot of various thoughts and feelings for men, and in fact, it can cause some men to run in the other direction when they hear the word. For me, it triggered fear, abandonment, and vulnerability. A play on the phrase Intimacy is “Into ME YOU SEE.”
You might be thinking, “I’m confused as to why my sex & porn addiction has a connection to my past childhood experiences about intimacy.” Let me explain. Let’s imagine that when a newborn baby boy is born, they enter the world perfectly and completely to start living life on earth. According to a famous child psychologist Erik Erikson, he surmised that there are eight stages of psychological development, different from the natural evolution of a child’s physical development.
Let’s focus on the first critical stage of infant development 0-18 months.
Suppose an infant boy has a loving, kind, nurturing mother and an attentive, caring father in the first year of his life. In this case, the chances are pretty high that his parents taught and modelled unconditional love, and the child will enter the second stage feeling confident and supported.
The child will have also learned and experienced trust from his parents and a healthy attachment and bonding. Sadly, the opposite is true: when the baby experiences abuse of any kind, then the tragedy of all tragedies occurs.
What occurs is that the child is psychologically, socially, emotionally, developmentally delayed, and unable to get its basic needs met from nurturing, gentle, loving affection. This produces a child that fails to thrive!! The child cannot form healthy attachment from birth onwards, which creates the inability to trust and creates massive distrust and permanent psychological and emotional attachment issues.
You can try the quiz and check your attachment level style
https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/
Tip #2. Porn addiction is different from other addictive problems because it’s part of our survival nature.
Over the years, I have spoken to many men about my childhood sexual abuse and how it has impacted me throughout my adult life. The statistics on how many boys/ men are sexually abused haven’t changed much in the last 30 years. An article I read recently from Psychiatric Times states that one in six boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. Then this number rises to one in four men who experience unwanted sexual events across their lifetime.
It has been well stated over the years by various child abuse experts and advocates that the number is quite likely higher than reported because there is still a lot of shame and stigma attached for men to admit they were sexually abused.
When I have shared my story publicly or privately with other men, it isn’t uncommon that men share their story, and I’m the first person they have told about their abuse. They break their silence.
April is “Sexual Assault Awareness” month every year, which encompasses all genders who have suffered unwanted sexual violations. We acknowledge the month of May as “Mental Health Awareness” every year.
The reason sex and porn addiction is so difficult to overcome because of the obsessive-compulsive destructive nature. We as humans are all born with sex as a natural primal urge. Without pro-creation/sex, we all cease to exist.
A similar comparison is concerning food disorders. Just like sex, food is necessary for human survival. Both addictions have a vital element of control on the part of the addict.
Being addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or cigarettes is radically different. You don’t need these behaviours to survive. If you have any of these addictions, they probably have convinced your mind & body that you require them for your daily survival and that you cannot live without them.
Whether it’s a substance or process behaviour, addiction withdrawal is inevitable and painful because your system thinks it will die without it.
Tip #3. You need to learn how to connect with people in a healthy way.
Similar to resolving food addictions, resolving sex and porn addiction is about changing our attitude and relationship to a healthier one.
Successful recovery surrounding your addiction requires your acceptance and understanding of how closely linked your sex addiction is to why you are avoidant of intimacy.
Once you realize that your obsession with porn is but a symptom of a much earlier childhood trauma related to a lack of trust/intimacy your overall success in having a healthier, more connected relationship with your spouse, partner, and the close people in your life is more attainable.
First, you need to admit that the part of your problem has to do with your fear of being loved, being vulnerable and the overall fear of rejection.
As with most addictions, the behaviour itself is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that often stems from childhood and our developmental years as a child.
More experts accept that the true nature of sex & porn addictions has to do with failed insecure attachment as a child, therefore, therefore making trust and intimacy almost impossible until we seek help or have a therapeutic intervention
Connection and Trust
As I mentioned earlier, men often carry an inability to trust or maintain relationships or closeness because of adverse childhood experiences.
The good news is that TRUST is a very achievable relationship goal regardless of your age and how hopeless you may feel
Some of you men might have tried everything to quit porn & sex addiction, and some of you may be earlier on your discovery of how to stop or how to get help. Perhaps you’ve talked a lot about your addiction but have not made the connection that your real issue is about trust and intimacy. “Break the Secret”
- Find one person in your life that you feel safe and share your childhood experience of suffering and abandonment.
- Self- Admission can help with feeling validated.
- Learning to Identify your needs.
- Building self-trust comes with practice. “Trust your gut.”
The greatest challenge for most men struggling with sex and porn addiction is they can’t find a lasting solution.
My mission is to play a major role in assisting men through learning to trust with their significant relationships.
It took me many years to start developing healthy, connected, meaningful relationships in my personal life. Trust me; it doesn’t need to take that long. Awareness and knowledge are powerful and transformational when action is taken.
Be patient and kind to yourself while undergoing this critical change. We must remember that many of us men have been avoiding trust, connection and closeness for years.
When trust is broken or not even developed as a young boy when it’s natural to learn this, self-compassion is necessary and recognizing that it takes time establish. Thankfully your successful recovery can be a real momentum and confidence builder while you work on other issues surrounding your past which prepares you to deal with more difficult core issues later on down the road.